A minor meltdown

God definitely works through people. Today I was revealed many things. A friend of mine just layed it down for me. Told me exactly what I needed to hear. God bless her for that. It makes so much sense to me. What I have been feeling physically are manifestations of my emotional stress. I have been experiencing stress lately and my mind has been focused on negative emotions like anger, blame, sadness, and guilt. I have not been praying like I used to and I even missed church for two sundays. Whatever I have been feeling I have not allowed myself to express it. I have been holding in whatever it is that I've been feeling. Today I finally allowed myself to cry and to pray and to restore all communications with my Lord and Savior. All this time I know what i've had to do but it gets harder with time to admit to oneself that we do not know everything. If we are to Trust in the Lord we have to let Him know that we need Him. We have to communicate our pain to Him, show Him that we are going through a struggle. I am always telling others to pray and thats its okay to cry or to talk to a trustworthy person about how we feel. Yet here I am, Lost.

Another thing that my friend mentioned without me saying anything to her is that we all need that one person that we trust spirtually and I have been greatly lacking that. There are two people who have served as spiritual guides for me in New York and they both had to relocate to other places. I remember when Sister Eileen left to North Carolina, i miss her very much, but I know she is happy and that God's plan is for her to serve others. I am grateful to have crossed her path and I know that we will see eachother again. May God bless her. I often wondered who would be my next spiritual mentor. I can identify a few people, however I truly believe that those things just happen naturally. I cried today because I long for that. I long for someone to talk to about my personal spiritual battles, someone I can Trust.

So there I was by my bed unraveling myself to the Lord. Thank you Father, for humbling me and for helping me get the message. I already feel brand new. I know that you have good and great things in store for me! I know that you walk this journey with me and promise to never leave me..thank you Father God!

To God the Glory

Its been a little while since I’ve written. I’ve been a bit sick to my stomach....literally. I am still not quite 100% but this is a wake up call to eat healthier. I had been trying to change my eating habits for at least a month know and it seemed like it was not happening being it just up to me. Getting sick has really helped me get back on track, I hate to say..lol. But of course life goes on and thanks to God I managed to continue my routine. On Sunday I was on call for SAVI and actually got a call a little after 10:00 a.m.. I went in to advocate for a 28 year old male who was being physically abused by the mother of his child. I wasn’t sure how this was gonna go as the survivor of domestic violence is usually a woman. That goes to show you there is always the exception. I prayed about it and thankfully everything went smooth. I really hope and pray that things work out for him and especially his 3 year old son.

It was really a challenge to listen to this man speak without me wanting to interrupt him and tell him what he SHOULD have done. That is the difference between going through training and not going through training. Through training I learned that an advocate is there to LISTEN and ADVOCATE for the survivor, no matter what. We have to leave our personal issues outside of that space. We are not there to solve problems, we are there to make sure that our survivor gets the best possible care in the emergency room considering there are so many people involved i. e. doctor, nurse, P.A., social worker, sometimes the cops, the D.A, and none of those people can really look out for the survivors best interest, they all have a specific job to do. I realize that its really a skill and a gift to be an advocate. I thank God for leading me to become an advocate.

On Monday I just planned on going to the gym after work then my friend sent me an invite to theology on tap in Manhattan. There was going to be a speaker talking about the theme “Can God be trusted?” . Whatever I felt when I read that theme, I knew that I had to be there. So after the gym I headed to Metro 53 and met my friend there. It turns out we are both going through a similar “drought” and perhaps a challenging phase in our spiritual/religious life. Not only us two but I believe truly that all of us in the young adult group are going through many changes. Many of us have entered relationships that are challenging us to think about what our convictions are. What do we really believe in, and what are our values? Though I am going through a bit of a traditional prayer drought, I am praying in heart and soul for all of us. May the Lord shows us where we should place our foot next. May His will be done in all of our lives.

I remember the speaker had a wonderful sense of humor and was a really good speaker. His credentials were very impressive. Yet what I remember the most is how he completely got choked up when he had to answer the question “Can God be trusted?” He did that twice and the second time he had tears coming down his face. When I first read that theme I was never thinking that God cannot be trusted. In fact I COMPLETELY understood why he got all choked up about it. After all since I was a little girl that is what I have always believed. Not because I was naive or ignorant but because when I went to bed at night and everyone else was sleeping, that is when I really felt His presence. Because of Him I faced my fear of lightning at night. What I thought was dangerous then, now reminds me of how real the glory of God is.

Which reminds me of something I’ve had in my unconscious lately, the glory of God. I realize that the glory of God can be manifested in anything and everything we do, in who we are, in all things big and small. Yes I believe that God’s glory is manifested the most in the difficult times in the things we consider bad or ugly. That is where the glory of God is. And when I think about that passage in the bible that says blessed are the poor in spirit, I realize that in the poor is where the glory of God is manifested the most. It is through our struggle that we feel the most passionate. It is through our struggle that we see the glory of God.

Christ is the light...

Of all the events of Holy Week, the Easter Vigil on Saturday was very symbolic. There is something so special about seeing Christ as the light in our lives. The ceremony consists of arriving to a pitch black church and having a candle handed to you at the door. I arrived right on time and found a seat next to a friend on a pew by the door. I can tell there were a significant amount of people in the church even though the lights were all out and it was silent. Suddenly a prayer is said and someone turns on their candle and passes on their flame to others until everyone in the church has their candle lit. Its really so beautiful. Then the dim lights come on and until the Gospel is to be read the lights finally turn on in the church to symbolize the ressurection of Christ. Its so beautiful to know that the Lord takes us out of the darkness.

I was also thinking about the many roles in the church. Everyone does their part, altar server, lector, priest, laypeople, music ministry, and the parishoners. I remember the way I saw church as an altar server. I looked forward to getting up in the morning and getting ready to go to church early so I can dress into my altar server attire and be ready to be at the front of the church to walk to the altar with the priest. Sometimes I even got the chance to carry the cross. It was such an honor. I never questioned why I did it, it just felt like such an honor to me. Then I became a lector and I enjoyed proclaming the word of Christ and gathering with fellow lectors for annual retreats. I really felt a connection to the church then. Then I began to miss just being a regular parishioner and sitting down to listen to mass with my family. Though I am now part of a young adult ministry, I also enjoy Sunday mass as a parishioner. Its a lot challenging now to be part of the church because as an adult there are people all around me questioning why I am where I am, and why I do what I do. Thats what happens when you are no longer a child. You are an adult and you do what you do by choice and not quite by custom. I have grown up in the church and mass has always been an important aspect of my life. I feel closer to the Lord when I gather in church for mass and when I gather with my church family to enjoy a Sunday brunch or a bible study on Wednesday. I guess I can say that now I am in the business of Fellowship...and its truly fulfilling. I am grateful to the Lord that He has not allowed me to stray from something that has always been important in my Spiritual Life....serving Christ.

Sometimes you have to take a deeper look....

Talk about a million things that run through our minds...I truly truly admire people who have set goals and don't change them for no one and do not let anything get in their way. My biggest problem is that I just can't focus on one thing. From one idea stem a zillion and then I become so consumed that I lose the purpose. I am praying for the ability to focus on the purpose. Everything that we do has a purpose, a reason for thinking of it and wanting it to become real.

I just had a really good conversation with my brother. While conversing with him I realized something. I remember when I was younger I often searched for a role model, someone to look up to. I have a cousin who growing up always worked, and though she lived with her mom, she always kept her things in order. I remember that from the circle of family I grew up with, she was the first one to go to college. My younger cousin and I used to hear her stories about joining dance groups and she would even teach us some of the moves, it was truly inspiring. That is when I knew that I wanted to go to college. I continued to search for role models growing up but most of them came from outside of my family circle. It seemed like the more I moved forward in life, the more distant I became from them, not because I wanted to, but because we had less and less in common.

They say sometimes you have to take a deeper look. My brother Angel owned his first home by the age of 25. He attended Devry and got an associates in Environmental Engineer. Today, at 32 he has opened up his own business without taking out a loan. Where have I been looking all this time? My brother has worked very hard to get where he is and I am very proud of him. He truly has broken many barriers that have held back our family in the past. I have realized that we have always fought for something better. We have not accepted the traditional roles that our society had laid out for us. We know there is a world out there waiting for us to make things happen.

I thank God for helping me realize that I do not have to look very far to find encouragement by example. My brother Angel has worked very hard to be where he is today, something that we all have the potential to do but not many have the faith, the courage, nor the drive to make happen. I know for a fact that I possess those qualities, not only cause it runs through my blood, but because I know that God put the fire of the Holy Spirit in me.

The gift of expression through writing

So as of yesterday afternoon I am officially journaless. I finished writing in the journal I began in December of last year. Now I definitely have to go get myself a new one. I saw one online and maybe I will order it with the gift card that Chikybean sent me, she will be very pleased to hear that I spent it on something so meaningful to me and to her as well…the gift of expression through writing…so lovely. I am actually looking forward to getting my box of old journals in Chicago. For some reason I remember Rawle out of all my journals. That is the only one I gave a name to though I can picture also most of my journals in my head. Some of them were gifts, some were just regular notebooks, there are plain ones, colorful ones, and even binders with paper in them. I remember one of my first journals came from me challenging myself to write something everyday on a page and place it in a binder so I suppose I have 365 pages in that binder. Its funny how I was challenging myself at such an early age, if only blogging was available then…lol.

Anyhow, so I remember Rawle the bright blue journal that was about 5 X 7 in size and had one of those little black elastics used to close up the journal. I really loved that journal and giving it a name made me feel like it was my special friend. I may not have had imaginary person friends but my journals felt like good old friends that I can say ANYTHING to. I remember I also loved stuffed animals growing up and often longed for them to one day come to life. Then again I was watching lots of Disney movies and movies like the Never-ending Story with the talking dog and the rock man which I still have in my DVD collection. Such tender memories about childhood that I am glad that I have. Its nice to hold on to the good times in a time where so many of us are always focusing on the tough times. A good friend of mine once said “During bad times, remember that good times follow.”

Oh ye of little Faith...

I am experiencing a Rude Awakening. But, sometimes it takes a rude awakening to wake up what has been sleeping in our hearts for way too long. I am not sure what I have been doing with my work life for the last 12 years. I can give the excuse that I’ve met some wonderful people in the process, because I have, however that is no excuse to continue doing work that does not inspire my creativity nor ignite my enthusiasm. What is happening to me really feels like direction. This is what it feels like I’ve been truly waiting for. It does come at an interesting time when I am giving excuses of why I should be grateful that I even have the job that I have right now. Am I grateful for the blessings of the Lord YES of course, however I feel like I am ye of little faith for not taking the leap to find my passion. I keep waiting for something, waiting to get my masters, waiting to save money, waiting to pay off my bills, its like waiting for Godot and Godot never comes because all along it has been up to us to take that leap of Faith…that is the Holy Spirit fire that we all have access to but we fail to exercise. One thing I learned years ago is that I will succeed wherever I go so I should never limit myself because of fear. Perfect love casts out fear and the things of God are not the things of this Earth, in other words even though we are experiencing a recession in this country, I will not be affected so as long as I am under the law of Spirit. Wherever I go I know that God will help me grow. Wherever I knock on the door of Faith I know the Lord will open and provide. That is having Faith.

I feel like all this time I’ve been feeling like I am being led by the spirit when in fact it has not been that way. The Holy Spirit Fire can make anyone do GREAT things. Especially wake up everyday with enthusiasm for serving the Lord. Walking with a skip in our step anxious to know what the Lord has in store for us next. I realized when I was in Chicago that the work I was doing was not giving me that enthusiasm, however I felt that it was more of the environment I was in. I figured relocating to a whole other city will help with that and believe me for two years now it has. However, I realize now that its not just the environment but it’s the work that I am doing. There is no passion in it for me, no motivation. I need to be in a place where I am working directly with people. I need to see the fruits of my labor for a change, that will help me get up every morning with enthusiasm. That will help me even become a morning person again the way I used to be. The work that I do know is meaningless, there is no one waiting for me to accomplish their task. In fact if I don’t show up I would be easily replaced. And its through no fault of the people at my job, its all up to me. I am the one who searched for this type of work again because I didn’t feel the confidence to go outside of my comfort zone. All I was thinking about was that I needed to be making enough money to be self-sufficient. I did not bother to explore things that I have really been wanting to do. Oh ye of little faith.

So now right smack in the middle of my rude awakening which comes at a very inconvenient time, I realize that I need to really make that change no matter how inconvenient it may be if I am going to ever move forward in Faith.

Finding my work (pt.1): A call to prayer

I am praying...praying for the Lord's guidance. Quite often do I fall into this frustration with my job. I feel like I am not doing anything of substance. In fact just today was confirmation of that. I am reading this book called Life@Work by John C. Maxwell which talks about how to exercise your faith at work. As soon as I began reading chapter one I knew this book was going to be the next Spiritual Non-Fiction book on my list, and not just a book I will read but one I need a notebook for. I find myself taking notes out of every paragraph. I am on chapter two where he is talking about finding scripture that can "frame the image of what it looks like for someone to be actively engaged in both the commercial and the kingdom side of life?" Isn't that amazing? Love it...ok so he uses the example of David the shepherd-king. He goes on to describe the four characteristics of King David's life that contributed to his success 1) his calling, 2) his service, 3) his character, and 4) his skill. So for the first one, I came upon a line that really made me think. It says here, "without calling, all you have is a job." Then it went on to say, "Working from calling, gives you confidence in your mission." When I read that I had to stop and close the book. I needed to absorb those two lines although I knew deep down inside for a long time to be true.

In fact as I thought about it through the day I realized that I went to paralegal school to try to build that confidence I felt I needed to pursue a career in law. I was not fond of paralegal school, I graduated with honors because I pushed myself to be the best at what I had committed myself to. However, nothing from that experience really stayed with me. The only thing I can say that really excited me was an online Ethics class I had that required me to do research and write papers, I did really well in that class and enjoyed doing the writing which had nothing to do with actual legal research. Legal Research itself was a pain. I just couldn't see myself doing that for a decade of my life. I think I need to really let go of this idea that I am supposed to be in the legal field.

I trust in the Lord and I know that He will light my path and is doing so already. I need to stop getting frustrated and just be. Right now I have a stable job that is helping me get on my feet financially but is not giving me any confidence to move forward. Knowing that God is with me is what gives me confidence. I pray that the Lord can light my path and help me to see where He needs me to be. To help me patiently await divine inspiration from the Holy Spirit. I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior.