February love

     February is a special month for me.  It is the month of my birthday, it is black history month, and also the month associated with Love.  The last few years of my birthday were challenging but this year..33 has arrived with lots of energy and motivation.  I am grateful that this year feels so good.  Yet in reflecting on my life, there are still plenty of things I struggle with.  One of those things is love.  In a conversation with my spiritual sister she declared that I have a guard around my heart.  I wonder where I can go back in time to remove that guard and just be open and loving.  The other day I was frustrated about love and this is what poured out of me:

Psalm for Love

I am speechless and 

perhaps this is not the right time

to write about love

I am frustrated and disappointed

and I don’t know how to describe it

I have waited much time and busied

myself with other things that have

kept me from love 

I can pursue justice, work, and friendship

wholeheartedly

but when it comes to love

there is a halt and everything 

just stops and I don’t know 

what to say or what to do

to express my feelings 

I don’t even know if I trust my feelings

my rationality takes over as I try to 

reason and make sense of why this 

may not be a good time or it may 

not be the right person 

Who am I to decide?

Why is it so difficult to pursue love?

I ask myself, what happens in me when

I feel chemistry

that instead of 

opening up, I shut down and sabotage 

any possibility

Lord make me brave for love 

Allow me to pursue love like my

pursuit of food and nutrition when

I am hungry

Allow me to pursue love like I pursue

education and service

Allow me to pursue love like I pursue 

justice and equality

Allow me to pursue love like I pursue 

friendship

Allow me to pursue love the way I pursue your

guidance, your love, and your wisdom

Please direct my footsteps and heart in the

direction of love 

Make me brave for the love that awaits 

for the love that you have for me 

Make me brave for Your glory and Your

Will for me to be fulfilled.

This is the lens through which I see love..it is blurry and opaque and I need to give it a good wipe down so I can see clearer with the eyes of faith.  How beautiful it is to realize that we are given an opportunity to love, that a door opens for us, and that there is a possibility that love is near.

Lately..I wouldn't know.  I wonder if love passes me by when I am walking 8 blocks to my train station. I wonder if love knocks me over on the subway hustle.  I wonder if love keeps an eye on me from afar.  I wonder if its around the corner or many miles away and we have not met yet.  I pray for God to be a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.  I pray that the Lord can humble me and open my heart to the possibility of love's arrival.

A Psalm for Purpose

     In the Fall of 2010 I was nominated to be part of the Lay Ministry Program in the Pastoral Institute of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Brooklyn and Queens.  It is a 3 year program to become a commissioned lay minister in my parish by way of theological education, spiritual formation, mentoring, pastoral skills, and ministry practicum.  I had waited many years for something like this and it came when I least expected it.  The first two years was a refreshing breeze of soaking up education and historical information.  We went through a process of reflection to decide on a ministry.  I went through many phases with this.  I thought about a bereavement group, then I contemplated RCIA, I even got creative enough to think that this blog could be a ministry of some sort.  The last year of the program involved putting the ministry in motion.  It was a very challenging year for me so I had to postpone the last year of the program.  My decision came mainly because it was also my last year of grad school and I needed to focus on getting my degree.   One thing at a time…is what God whispers to me all the time, but at times my options get the best of me.

     Finally once I returned, it was decided that I would do a Young Adult Ministry.  But before that, while I took the year off many changes had taken place in my life.  Radical changes that I resisted greatly at one point, and sometimes I admit that I still wonder why it all happened but I know God will reveal that to me in His time.  One of those changes was my parish.  I had relocated to the town of Astoria in Queens and lived closer to Our Lady of Mount Carmel.  For that reason and others of which I refer to in this blog post, I took the leap to finish my ministry at my new parish.  Though I was not 100% sure about my decision I went ahead and requested to meet with the Monsignor of the new parish.  I prayed about the meeting and hoped it would all go well.  I remember thinking how I can explain to this priest that I was raised in the church, what words will I use and will that be boasting about myself.  I almost felt like it was going to be another job interview.  Low and behold, it was not.  By the grace of God, the Monsignor opened the doors of his church to me and extended an invitation for me to finish my ministry at his parish.  It was a blessing! The parish happened to be in dire need of a young adult ministry which has always been tugging away at my heart, especially scripture based ministry.  The Monsignor made me feel very welcomed and as if he knew me for many years.  It felt right to take those steps forward in faith.  But of course nothing comes that easy and I've struggled so much during this ministry.  It has been an internal battle within myself, my confidence, my ability to speak with authority, and to let the holy spirit reside in me.  I have these desires of the heart but I can hardly put them into words.  

     This past weekend I was distraught about the condition of my ministry.  I felt troubled that the few times we had gotten together that it was not purposeful for God.  There is a flame within me that is just waiting to be lit up.  On Sunday morning I had a minor meltdown about it and pleaded to God to help me see what I needed to see.  In the midst of my painful heartache, I wrote a psalm for purpose:

Lord, my heart aches to do Your will. 

my heart aches to make things purposeful for you

When I sit in the midst of others, especially in my ministry

and we speak of our day it doesn’t feel purposeful

I don’t feel that this ministry is being used for the purpose of 

giving You the glory, oh God, but more to give each other glory 

my heart longs to give you glory, my voice longs to speak your name

my spirit longs to sing your praise!

I don’t know where to begin, I long to be brave for you

I feel like I have failed in all these opportunities I have

been given to evangelize and speak of you to others

I just don’t know what it is but my heart aches over it

it is a deep sorrow..a weeping sorrow 

and I just don’t know when it will end

I can think of the many things I can say but when I am 

in the moment of saying them I feel drowned out by others

I don’t feel like I have authority to speak 

It’s not for certificates sake that I want to continue this ministry

It’s because there is a dire need for someone to minister to young adults

there is a dire need for someone to guide, inspire, and stir up the hearts

of young adults who all desire to have a heart for God.

What does it mean to have a heart for God?

and if I have a heart for God then how can I speak from that heart

how can I see beyond the fears and insecurities

and just speak for the glory of God

Just like David says in Psalm 40:8

“I delight to do Your will, o my God;

Your law is within my heart.”

I long to speak from that place; I long 

to hear from that place where the holy spirit 

lies within me; where You, dear God, are able to use me

as an instrument of Your peace for Your glory.

Oh dear God, help me to make this ministry 

purposeful for You.  That no matter what happens

I have spoken from that place where you are within me

to bring you glory, worship, and praise.

     I felt a great sense of relief when I wrote the above.  In fact, by the grace of God I received clarity from it.  So many things made sense all of a sudden and I began to take some steps forward to focus on my ministry.  Somehow I wasn't utilizing the people that have been placed in my path to guide me with my ministry.  I finally contacted my supervisor of the program, Hyda, and it just felt like she was waiting for my call.  She was very attentive and patient with me as I told her about some of my struggles.  We agreed to speak weekly and it was so comforting to have that conversation with her.  Its a true blessing to be able to receive clarity and to experience a shift in understanding.  It is what I call a tender moment with God.  Oh how I wish I can have tender moments with God everyday and I'm sure that I do but with life's adversity and rat race its hard to pay attention to those tender moments.  I am going to make a conscious effort to point out the many tender moments I have with God.  I hope I can share many more of these moments here on this blog.  

    As far as the ministry, I pray to God to continue providing me with the wisdom and understanding I need to guide and continue this ministry for His glory!

Creére

     Mi amiga Samantha me enseño este video…me encanta empezar el dia con alabanzas a Jesus...que hermoso es nuestro Dios! 

Some books I've been reading lately….

Celebrating my 100th post..

   I just realized I've written 100 posts and wanted to celebrate this small accomplishment in my life when it comes to writing.  I am truly grateful for this space to express myself and share a part of me with others.  May God continue to guide me and encourage me to continue writing for His glory.  I want to thank all my special friends and family for being supportive and encouraging.  Celebrating in gratitude...

Un homenaje humilde

     En este dia de recordar las personas 
queridas que han fallecido, queria recordar a una persona que siempre admire en la communidad Puertoriqueña de Chicago.  Esa persona es Irma Romero, una mujer que fue revolucionaria, educatora, luchadora, y superadora de varios obstaculos en su vida.  Siendo Mexicana, Irma fue la mayor representante de la solidaridad entre boricua y mexicano en Humboldt Park.  Yo pienso que no soy la persona indicada para hablar sobre ella porque solo tuve encuentros limitados con ella, pero por la gracia de Dios he sido inspirada a escribir este homenaje.  De esos pocos encuentros se que Irma siempre estuvo involucrada en los esfuerzos comunitarios, sea en Humboldt Park, en el ambiente estudiantil de NEIU, o dondequiera que tenia la oportunidad de inspirar y motivar el espíritu revolucionario de una activista comunitaria con mucha pasión para ayudar y apoyar al próximo.  

   No es coincidencia que hace unos días encontré un documento que contenía unas palabras dichas por Irma.  En Diciembre del 2003, durante uno de nuestros encuentros, yo tuve el privilegio de entrevistarla para un proyecto estudiantil en Chicago.  Cuando encontré este documento y lo leí tuve una fuerte sensación de tener que compartirlo.  Mi proyecto estudiantil era sobre el apoyo de los Mexicanos en la comunidad Puertorriqueña de Chicago.  Escogí ese tema porque era lo mas que me impresionaba sobre la lucha comunitaria en Humboldt Park, Paseo Boricua.  Era y sigue siendo una lucha en solidaridad con varios grupos de otros países que han sido oprimidos por el gobierno de los Estados Unidos.  Por ejemplo los Mexicanos con su lucha de amnistía, por la reforma migratoria, y derechos humanos.  También los Palestinos en su lucha contra la ocupación en Israel que también tiene que ver con los derechos humanos.  Irma siempre estuvo presente en cada marcha sobre los derechos humanos de la gente oprimida y siempre tomaba la oportunidad de empoderar a los trabajadores obreros y las personas oprimidas por el gobierno.  Otra causa que fue muy importante para ella era la de los presos políticos y la injusticia de su encarcelamiento.  Aunque me da mucha pena que no pudo ver el día en que será libre Oscar Lopez Rivera, se que ella sentía en su corazón que ese día si llegara.

  Bueno, aquí comparto con ustedes estas palabras dichas por Irma cuando le pedí que reflexionara sobre como organizar a la gente o a los estudiantes…

"Cuando uno trata de organizar a la gente llega el momento en que uno se desespera porque ve que la gente no reaccionan inmediatamente.  Pero la vida me ha enseñado una cosa y es que no importa que la gente no reaccionen inmediatamente esa gente van a reaccionar un día cuando ha ellos les toque hacer una decisión entones ellos van a tener que reaccionar y entonces ellos van a recordar de todo lo que tu dijiste por eso es que en el proceso de organizar nosotros tenemos que ser auténticos, que ser genuinos, tenemos que creer lo que decimos porque cuando uno no habla con convicción de nuestra posición política es lo que va convencer a cualquiera si no tenemos convicción como vamos a convencer a alguien si yo misma no estoy convencida, eso es parte de este proceso que nosotros debemos hablar con el corazón, con pasión, con resolución de decir mira esto es así por tal razón...

Yo quiero que tu supieras que cuando nosotros tuvimos que hablarle a este pueblo que esta allá afuera de que teníamos presos puertorriqueños prisionera de guerra, mira eso era un issue que teníamos que nosotros debatirlo con pasión porque nos decían -ustedes están locos de que están hablando- y había que convencer a ese pueblo y lo convencimos tan bien que todo el mundo acepto que si eso son los presos, los prisioneros de guerra puertorriqueños.  Porque de la noche a la mañana uno no hace las cosas pero uno le habla, y le habla, y le habla, y le habla y uno nunca se cansa ni de hablarle ni de invitarlos y un día ellos vienen…

pues hay que tener fe.  Yo tengo dos clases de fe, tengo una fe revolucionaria pero también tengo una fe cristiana que yo siempre he tenido y yo creo en lo que digo y cuando digo las cosas las digo con pasión y convicción porque yo estoy convencida de que nuestros presos políticos deben de salir ni deben de estar presos porque?  Porque ellos no son criminales, ellos son unos luchadores porque el crimen es el colonialismo y es lo que los tiene allí presos.  Pues hay que ver eso y si nosotros no estamos convencidos de lo que hablamos, como vamos a convencer a los demás."

     Irma tu espíritu sigue muy activo en las personas que tuvieron el privilegio de conocerte..y se que aunque no pudiste ver los frutos de tus luchas, tu pasión y fuerte convicción indicaban que ya estabas en tu tierra prometida…que descanses en paz y en la gloria de Cristo Jesus.

A dose of inspiration

 Two of my favorite Nuyorican artists have been inspiring me lately with their words...

"You 

are 

more

powerful

 than

 you

 think."

  by James De LaVega

   

"You have to trust that you

 can formulate your own identity,"

 said by Manny Vega