Tuesday, February 25, 2014

February love

     February is a special month for me.  It is the month of my birthday, it is black history month, and also the month associated with Love.  The last few years of my birthday were challenging but this year..33 has arrived with lots of energy and motivation.  I am grateful that this year feels so good.  Yet in reflecting on my life, there are still plenty of things I struggle with.  One of those things is love.  In a conversation with my spiritual sister she declared that I have a guard around my heart.  I wonder where I can go back in time to remove that guard and just be open and loving.  The other day I was frustrated about love and this is what poured out of me:

Psalm for Love

I am speechless and 
perhaps this is not the right time
to write about love
I am frustrated and disappointed
and I don’t know how to describe it
I have waited much time and busied
myself with other things that have
kept me from love 
I can pursue justice, work, and friendship
but when it comes to love
there is a halt and everything 
just stops and I don’t know 
what to say or what to do
to express my feelings 
I don’t even know if I trust my feelings
my rationality takes over as I try to 
reason and make sense of why this 
may not be a good time or it may 
not be the right person 
Who am I to decide?
Why is it so difficult to pursue love?
I ask myself, what happens in me when
I feel chemistry
that instead of 
opening up, I shut down and sabotage 
any possibility
Lord make me brave for love 
Allow me to pursue love like my
pursuit of food and nutrition when
I am hungry
Allow me to pursue love like I pursue
education and service
Allow me to pursue love like I pursue 
justice and equality
Allow me to pursue love like I pursue 
Allow me to pursue love the way I pursue your
guidance, your love, and your wisdom
Please direct my footsteps and heart in the
direction of love 
Make me brave for the love that awaits 
for the love that you have for me 
Make me brave for Your glory and Your
Will for me to be fulfilled.

This is the lens through which I see love..it is blurry and opaque and I need to give it a good wipe down so I can see clearer with the eyes of faith.  How beautiful it is to realize that we are given an opportunity to love, that a door opens for us, and that there is a possibility that love is near.

Lately..I wouldn't know.  I wonder if love passes me by when I am walking 8 blocks to my train station. I wonder if love knocks me over on the subway hustle.  I wonder if love keeps an eye on me from afar.  I wonder if its around the corner or many miles away and we have not met yet.  I pray for God to be a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.  I pray that the Lord can humble me and open my heart to the possibility of love's arrival.