Monday, March 29, 2010

Sometimes you have to take a deeper look....

Talk about a million things that run through our minds...I truly truly admire people who have set goals and don't change them for no one and do not let anything get in their way. My biggest problem is that I just can't focus on one thing. From one idea stem a zillion and then I become so consumed that I lose the purpose. I am praying for the ability to focus on the purpose. Everything that we do has a purpose, a reason for thinking of it and wanting it to become real.

I just had a really good conversation with my brother. While conversing with him I realized something. I remember when I was younger I often searched for a role model, someone to look up to. I have a cousin who growing up always worked, and though she lived with her mom, she always kept her things in order. I remember that from the circle of family I grew up with, she was the first one to go to college. My younger cousin and I used to hear her stories about joining dance groups and she would even teach us some of the moves, it was truly inspiring. That is when I knew that I wanted to go to college. I continued to search for role models growing up but most of them came from outside of my family circle. It seemed like the more I moved forward in life, the more distant I became from them, not because I wanted to, but because we had less and less in common.

They say sometimes you have to take a deeper look. My brother Angel owned his first home by the age of 25. He attended Devry and got an associates in Environmental Engineer. Today, at 32 he has opened up his own business without taking out a loan. Where have I been looking all this time? My brother has worked very hard to get where he is and I am very proud of him. He truly has broken many barriers that have held back our family in the past. I have realized that we have always fought for something better. We have not accepted the traditional roles that our society had laid out for us. We know there is a world out there waiting for us to make things happen.

I thank God for helping me realize that I do not have to look very far to find encouragement by example. My brother Angel has worked very hard to be where he is today, something that we all have the potential to do but not many have the faith, the courage, nor the drive to make happen. I know for a fact that I possess those qualities, not only cause it runs through my blood, but because I know that God put the fire of the Holy Spirit in me.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The gift of expression through writing

So as of yesterday afternoon I am officially journaless. I finished writing in the journal I began in December of last year. Now I definitely have to go get myself a new one. I saw one online and maybe I will order it with the gift card that Chikybean sent me, she will be very pleased to hear that I spent it on something so meaningful to me and to her as well…the gift of expression through writing…so lovely. I am actually looking forward to getting my box of old journals in Chicago. For some reason I remember Rawle out of all my journals. That is the only one I gave a name to though I can picture also most of my journals in my head. Some of them were gifts, some were just regular notebooks, there are plain ones, colorful ones, and even binders with paper in them. I remember one of my first journals came from me challenging myself to write something everyday on a page and place it in a binder so I suppose I have 365 pages in that binder. Its funny how I was challenging myself at such an early age, if only blogging was available then…lol.

Anyhow, so I remember Rawle the bright blue journal that was about 5 X 7 in size and had one of those little black elastics used to close up the journal. I really loved that journal and giving it a name made me feel like it was my special friend. I may not have had imaginary person friends but my journals felt like good old friends that I can say ANYTHING to. I remember I also loved stuffed animals growing up and often longed for them to one day come to life. Then again I was watching lots of Disney movies and movies like the Never-ending Story with the talking dog and the rock man which I still have in my DVD collection. Such tender memories about childhood that I am glad that I have. Its nice to hold on to the good times in a time where so many of us are always focusing on the tough times. A good friend of mine once said “During bad times, remember that good times follow.”

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Oh ye of little Faith...

I am experiencing a Rude Awakening. But, sometimes it takes a rude awakening to wake up what has been sleeping in our hearts for way too long. I am not sure what I have been doing with my work life for the last 12 years. I can give the excuse that I’ve met some wonderful people in the process, because I have, however that is no excuse to continue doing work that does not inspire my creativity nor ignite my enthusiasm. What is happening to me really feels like direction. This is what it feels like I’ve been truly waiting for. It does come at an interesting time when I am giving excuses of why I should be grateful that I even have the job that I have right now. Am I grateful for the blessings of the Lord YES of course, however I feel like I am ye of little faith for not taking the leap to find my passion. I keep waiting for something, waiting to get my masters, waiting to save money, waiting to pay off my bills, its like waiting for Godot and Godot never comes because all along it has been up to us to take that leap of Faith…that is the Holy Spirit fire that we all have access to but we fail to exercise. One thing I learned years ago is that I will succeed wherever I go so I should never limit myself because of fear. Perfect love casts out fear and the things of God are not the things of this Earth, in other words even though we are experiencing a recession in this country, I will not be affected so as long as I am under the law of Spirit. Wherever I go I know that God will help me grow. Wherever I knock on the door of Faith I know the Lord will open and provide. That is having Faith.

I feel like all this time I’ve been feeling like I am being led by the spirit when in fact it has not been that way. The Holy Spirit Fire can make anyone do GREAT things. Especially wake up everyday with enthusiasm for serving the Lord. Walking with a skip in our step anxious to know what the Lord has in store for us next. I realized when I was in Chicago that the work I was doing was not giving me that enthusiasm, however I felt that it was more of the environment I was in. I figured relocating to a whole other city will help with that and believe me for two years now it has. However, I realize now that its not just the environment but it’s the work that I am doing. There is no passion in it for me, no motivation. I need to be in a place where I am working directly with people. I need to see the fruits of my labor for a change, that will help me get up every morning with enthusiasm. That will help me even become a morning person again the way I used to be. The work that I do know is meaningless, there is no one waiting for me to accomplish their task. In fact if I don’t show up I would be easily replaced. And its through no fault of the people at my job, its all up to me. I am the one who searched for this type of work again because I didn’t feel the confidence to go outside of my comfort zone. All I was thinking about was that I needed to be making enough money to be self-sufficient. I did not bother to explore things that I have really been wanting to do. Oh ye of little faith.

So now right smack in the middle of my rude awakening which comes at a very inconvenient time, I realize that I need to really make that change no matter how inconvenient it may be if I am going to ever move forward in Faith.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Finding my work (pt.1): A call to prayer

I am praying...praying for the Lord's guidance. Quite often do I fall into this frustration with my job. I feel like I am not doing anything of substance. In fact just today was confirmation of that. I am reading this book called Life@Work by John C. Maxwell which talks about how to exercise your faith at work. As soon as I began reading chapter one I knew this book was going to be the next Spiritual Non-Fiction book on my list, and not just a book I will read but one I need a notebook for. I find myself taking notes out of every paragraph. I am on chapter two where he is talking about finding scripture that can "frame the image of what it looks like for someone to be actively engaged in both the commercial and the kingdom side of life?" Isn't that amazing? Love it...ok so he uses the example of David the shepherd-king. He goes on to describe the four characteristics of King David's life that contributed to his success 1) his calling, 2) his service, 3) his character, and 4) his skill. So for the first one, I came upon a line that really made me think. It says here, "without calling, all you have is a job." Then it went on to say, "Working from calling, gives you confidence in your mission." When I read that I had to stop and close the book. I needed to absorb those two lines although I knew deep down inside for a long time to be true.

In fact as I thought about it through the day I realized that I went to paralegal school to try to build that confidence I felt I needed to pursue a career in law. I was not fond of paralegal school, I graduated with honors because I pushed myself to be the best at what I had committed myself to. However, nothing from that experience really stayed with me. The only thing I can say that really excited me was an online Ethics class I had that required me to do research and write papers, I did really well in that class and enjoyed doing the writing which had nothing to do with actual legal research. Legal Research itself was a pain. I just couldn't see myself doing that for a decade of my life. I think I need to really let go of this idea that I am supposed to be in the legal field.

I trust in the Lord and I know that He will light my path and is doing so already. I need to stop getting frustrated and just be. Right now I have a stable job that is helping me get on my feet financially but is not giving me any confidence to move forward. Knowing that God is with me is what gives me confidence. I pray that the Lord can light my path and help me to see where He needs me to be. To help me patiently await divine inspiration from the Holy Spirit. I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior.