A minor meltdown

God definitely works through people. Today I was revealed many things. A friend of mine just layed it down for me. Told me exactly what I needed to hear. God bless her for that. It makes so much sense to me. What I have been feeling physically are manifestations of my emotional stress. I have been experiencing stress lately and my mind has been focused on negative emotions like anger, blame, sadness, and guilt. I have not been praying like I used to and I even missed church for two sundays. Whatever I have been feeling I have not allowed myself to express it. I have been holding in whatever it is that I've been feeling. Today I finally allowed myself to cry and to pray and to restore all communications with my Lord and Savior. All this time I know what i've had to do but it gets harder with time to admit to oneself that we do not know everything. If we are to Trust in the Lord we have to let Him know that we need Him. We have to communicate our pain to Him, show Him that we are going through a struggle. I am always telling others to pray and thats its okay to cry or to talk to a trustworthy person about how we feel. Yet here I am, Lost.

Another thing that my friend mentioned without me saying anything to her is that we all need that one person that we trust spirtually and I have been greatly lacking that. There are two people who have served as spiritual guides for me in New York and they both had to relocate to other places. I remember when Sister Eileen left to North Carolina, i miss her very much, but I know she is happy and that God's plan is for her to serve others. I am grateful to have crossed her path and I know that we will see eachother again. May God bless her. I often wondered who would be my next spiritual mentor. I can identify a few people, however I truly believe that those things just happen naturally. I cried today because I long for that. I long for someone to talk to about my personal spiritual battles, someone I can Trust.

So there I was by my bed unraveling myself to the Lord. Thank you Father, for humbling me and for helping me get the message. I already feel brand new. I know that you have good and great things in store for me! I know that you walk this journey with me and promise to never leave me..thank you Father God!

To God the Glory

Its been a little while since I’ve written. I’ve been a bit sick to my stomach....literally. I am still not quite 100% but this is a wake up call to eat healthier. I had been trying to change my eating habits for at least a month know and it seemed like it was not happening being it just up to me. Getting sick has really helped me get back on track, I hate to say..lol. But of course life goes on and thanks to God I managed to continue my routine. On Sunday I was on call for SAVI and actually got a call a little after 10:00 a.m.. I went in to advocate for a 28 year old male who was being physically abused by the mother of his child. I wasn’t sure how this was gonna go as the survivor of domestic violence is usually a woman. That goes to show you there is always the exception. I prayed about it and thankfully everything went smooth. I really hope and pray that things work out for him and especially his 3 year old son.

It was really a challenge to listen to this man speak without me wanting to interrupt him and tell him what he SHOULD have done. That is the difference between going through training and not going through training. Through training I learned that an advocate is there to LISTEN and ADVOCATE for the survivor, no matter what. We have to leave our personal issues outside of that space. We are not there to solve problems, we are there to make sure that our survivor gets the best possible care in the emergency room considering there are so many people involved i. e. doctor, nurse, P.A., social worker, sometimes the cops, the D.A, and none of those people can really look out for the survivors best interest, they all have a specific job to do. I realize that its really a skill and a gift to be an advocate. I thank God for leading me to become an advocate.

On Monday I just planned on going to the gym after work then my friend sent me an invite to theology on tap in Manhattan. There was going to be a speaker talking about the theme “Can God be trusted?” . Whatever I felt when I read that theme, I knew that I had to be there. So after the gym I headed to Metro 53 and met my friend there. It turns out we are both going through a similar “drought” and perhaps a challenging phase in our spiritual/religious life. Not only us two but I believe truly that all of us in the young adult group are going through many changes. Many of us have entered relationships that are challenging us to think about what our convictions are. What do we really believe in, and what are our values? Though I am going through a bit of a traditional prayer drought, I am praying in heart and soul for all of us. May the Lord shows us where we should place our foot next. May His will be done in all of our lives.

I remember the speaker had a wonderful sense of humor and was a really good speaker. His credentials were very impressive. Yet what I remember the most is how he completely got choked up when he had to answer the question “Can God be trusted?” He did that twice and the second time he had tears coming down his face. When I first read that theme I was never thinking that God cannot be trusted. In fact I COMPLETELY understood why he got all choked up about it. After all since I was a little girl that is what I have always believed. Not because I was naive or ignorant but because when I went to bed at night and everyone else was sleeping, that is when I really felt His presence. Because of Him I faced my fear of lightning at night. What I thought was dangerous then, now reminds me of how real the glory of God is.

Which reminds me of something I’ve had in my unconscious lately, the glory of God. I realize that the glory of God can be manifested in anything and everything we do, in who we are, in all things big and small. Yes I believe that God’s glory is manifested the most in the difficult times in the things we consider bad or ugly. That is where the glory of God is. And when I think about that passage in the bible that says blessed are the poor in spirit, I realize that in the poor is where the glory of God is manifested the most. It is through our struggle that we feel the most passionate. It is through our struggle that we see the glory of God.

Christ is the light...

Of all the events of Holy Week, the Easter Vigil on Saturday was very symbolic. There is something so special about seeing Christ as the light in our lives. The ceremony consists of arriving to a pitch black church and having a candle handed to you at the door. I arrived right on time and found a seat next to a friend on a pew by the door. I can tell there were a significant amount of people in the church even though the lights were all out and it was silent. Suddenly a prayer is said and someone turns on their candle and passes on their flame to others until everyone in the church has their candle lit. Its really so beautiful. Then the dim lights come on and until the Gospel is to be read the lights finally turn on in the church to symbolize the ressurection of Christ. Its so beautiful to know that the Lord takes us out of the darkness.

I was also thinking about the many roles in the church. Everyone does their part, altar server, lector, priest, laypeople, music ministry, and the parishoners. I remember the way I saw church as an altar server. I looked forward to getting up in the morning and getting ready to go to church early so I can dress into my altar server attire and be ready to be at the front of the church to walk to the altar with the priest. Sometimes I even got the chance to carry the cross. It was such an honor. I never questioned why I did it, it just felt like such an honor to me. Then I became a lector and I enjoyed proclaming the word of Christ and gathering with fellow lectors for annual retreats. I really felt a connection to the church then. Then I began to miss just being a regular parishioner and sitting down to listen to mass with my family. Though I am now part of a young adult ministry, I also enjoy Sunday mass as a parishioner. Its a lot challenging now to be part of the church because as an adult there are people all around me questioning why I am where I am, and why I do what I do. Thats what happens when you are no longer a child. You are an adult and you do what you do by choice and not quite by custom. I have grown up in the church and mass has always been an important aspect of my life. I feel closer to the Lord when I gather in church for mass and when I gather with my church family to enjoy a Sunday brunch or a bible study on Wednesday. I guess I can say that now I am in the business of Fellowship...and its truly fulfilling. I am grateful to the Lord that He has not allowed me to stray from something that has always been important in my Spiritual Life....serving Christ.