February love

     February is a special month for me.  It is the month of my birthday, it is black history month, and also the month associated with Love.  The last few years of my birthday were challenging but this year..33 has arrived with lots of energy and motivation.  I am grateful that this year feels so good.  Yet in reflecting on my life, there are still plenty of things I struggle with.  One of those things is love.  In a conversation with my spiritual sister she declared that I have a guard around my heart.  I wonder where I can go back in time to remove that guard and just be open and loving.  The other day I was frustrated about love and this is what poured out of me:

Psalm for Love

I am speechless and 

perhaps this is not the right time

to write about love

I am frustrated and disappointed

and I don’t know how to describe it

I have waited much time and busied

myself with other things that have

kept me from love 

I can pursue justice, work, and friendship

wholeheartedly

but when it comes to love

there is a halt and everything 

just stops and I don’t know 

what to say or what to do

to express my feelings 

I don’t even know if I trust my feelings

my rationality takes over as I try to 

reason and make sense of why this 

may not be a good time or it may 

not be the right person 

Who am I to decide?

Why is it so difficult to pursue love?

I ask myself, what happens in me when

I feel chemistry

that instead of 

opening up, I shut down and sabotage 

any possibility

Lord make me brave for love 

Allow me to pursue love like my

pursuit of food and nutrition when

I am hungry

Allow me to pursue love like I pursue

education and service

Allow me to pursue love like I pursue 

justice and equality

Allow me to pursue love like I pursue 

friendship

Allow me to pursue love the way I pursue your

guidance, your love, and your wisdom

Please direct my footsteps and heart in the

direction of love 

Make me brave for the love that awaits 

for the love that you have for me 

Make me brave for Your glory and Your

Will for me to be fulfilled.

This is the lens through which I see love..it is blurry and opaque and I need to give it a good wipe down so I can see clearer with the eyes of faith.  How beautiful it is to realize that we are given an opportunity to love, that a door opens for us, and that there is a possibility that love is near.

Lately..I wouldn't know.  I wonder if love passes me by when I am walking 8 blocks to my train station. I wonder if love knocks me over on the subway hustle.  I wonder if love keeps an eye on me from afar.  I wonder if its around the corner or many miles away and we have not met yet.  I pray for God to be a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.  I pray that the Lord can humble me and open my heart to the possibility of love's arrival.